A Post For Nathan On His First Birthday

Happy Birthday! to my sweet Nathan. As your name means, you have certainly been a gift to us. An unexpectedly expected one.

I had a son already. I loved having a son and loved Justin in particular- so dearly... so I was elated to discover we were having another boy.

So I think this was the mindset I was under... totally excited, but totally not ready to be blown away, again.

There I stood, after a short and intense labor, holding you in the tub... surrounded by your Daddy, our doula, our doc, and a confused nurse. My jaw was dropped, my eyes frozen in a "deer caught in headlights" kind of look. They were all so excited and were encouraging me to look at you. I'd take a quick glance but then look back at them in disbelief. I pushed you out- or you pushed yourself out is probably more accurate for how it felt- quicker than I expected. And I had no idea I would be overwhelmed by love for a child, again.

I expected you, but I did not expect to feel so shocked, so in love, again.

Today marks your one year anniversary. Day after day, I have experienced the unexpected gift that you are. Without realizing it, I ponder that I've seen this or that stage of development before... but then you get there and it blows me away, again. As your own sweet, unique personality emerges, I enjoy you at each step and I learn to receive you as your own person.

I love how you shyly smile and hide in my shoulder when someone says hi to you. I love that the 2 of us, we share a battle story of all the ups and downs that have come in our nursing relationship... we both fought for the opportunity to continue to be nurtured by each other and have experienced victory and grace upon grace. I love that your big brother copies you more than you copy him... that you have a special way of getting in your own little world that begs the curiosity and entrance of even your older brother. I love how you dive into our lap when you want to hide in us and cuddle. I love seeing your eyes peek through your open fingers as you play peek-a-boo. And although you are a very early riser, I love that you greet me with an enormous wave as I peer over you in your bed.

In every way you are a gift of unexpectedly expected grace to us, Nathan. We adore you and receive you with open arms, again and again. Happy birthday, our precious son!