I was inspired by dear friend Diane to take a few minutes of the grace of a dual nap time to write a bit of my mommy struggles today.
Like Diane shared in her post, I too am having a stretch of circumstancially crummy days. The boys collectively have had colds, snotty noses and eyes (lovely), croup, sleepless nights, sleepless naps, fussiness beyond measure, etc. We've watched more videos in this house the past 2 days then the last 6 months combined. And I'm paying the price with more fussiness.
There have been moments when I have risen to the occasion. With a heart full of compassion, I have embraced these sweet, tired, pitiful, and sickly boys. I've soaked in the snuggles, knowing these needy-Mommy moments won't last forever. I've sprinted to them in the middle of the night to assure the confused minds and wipe their salty tears. Moments when I've said "yes" to them more than I've said "no."
And there are the ugly moments. There are the moments when I'm more focused on myself and how they have ruined my plan for the day. Moments when I think of all the things I haven't been able to get done. Moments when I hang their disobedience in shame over their heads, not letting it go instantaneously as Christ does for me. When I speak to them with harsh tone and words.
And so, as nap time is once again interrupted with the coughs of a little boy, and now both, I realize that I'm at the end of my Mommy rope. My ability to serve unselfishly and with compassion is no longer here. It is now that I realize I've been serving with my own strength and not asking for and relying on the Lord for that ability to love these precious boys through me. I can repent of putting myself first, making an idol of my own comfort. I can ask the Lord to forgive and receive that never-ending forgiveness. I can choose to believe Him... and ask for Him to come and be the Lover through me.
So, why don't I? What is so attractive to me about staying in whiny, ME mode? Why don't I run towards the One who assures me time and time again that He is really present, really caring, really Sovereign, really unconditional in the giving of His love and strength?
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Oh, honey, when you get the answer to that, please call me and tell me.
For me, I guess it is because if I stay in the yuck, I'm sort of not giving up control.
(Rolling eyes at self.)
I wish you the power of God to love and nurture, I wish His love and nurture directed at you.
And I do wish you sleep.
Rach, you have no idea how much I needed to read that this week. Is it winter that makes this being with little kids so much harder? I don't know, but I am dreading the sick months.
thanks for your grace driven transparency and repentance honey.
thanks for being in Justin's room right now reading books to a boy whose head is 104 and feet feel like ice cubes.
thanks for patiently and somehow alertly answering his questions as you read and wait for the tylenol to kick in.
(notice the time)
That would be pacific standard time. It's 130 here.
I came in to your blog from Marshall's and your words really resonate with me. Thanks for your honesty...I'll be sure to check back and hear more :)
thx for stopping by, emily. glad God's using my junk for His good!
Hey Rachel,
I remember times when my boys were that age and them both being sick. It was SO hard! I had to go into survival mode and forget about getting anything done for the day..... or days. Hang in there with them. You are such a great mom. It is so much easier to handle sickness as they get older.
Hi, Rachel. Just thought I'd stop by and give you a BLAST FROM THE PAST. BOO-yeah. Hope all is well...isn't blogging great to get you back in touch with people? Take care and congrats on the family.
Grace and Peace,
Mark Horner
HI MARK!!!!!!!! it's great to hear from you. thx so much for "stopping by." all is well in gen'l in life... just not this wk with all these colds! stopped by your blog- wow- you've got some great talent, glad you're blessing the world with it. glad to see you're still in g'ville- hope you're enjoying it. it's a great city. take care!
Rachel, you're doing an awesome job. We are not super moms and don't have to be. Who is she anyway? Love you, friend, hang in there.
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